TLDR - She/her, But He/Him for anything else outside of my own happiness (ie. legal reasons like passports, id, work, ect), Probably genderfluid TOO LONG DONT CARE ILL READ ANYWAYS: hi welcome to this mess of a page this is less of something about my identity and more a vent about my life problems, but i promise you it will all boomerang back to my gender i guess i know i can just state this to a therapist but i just have to write this down somewhere CW: edgy stuff ive done, mentions of suicidal thoughts and all that IMPORTANT THINGS ================ i am a middle class person, so i dont live in a poor area, my parents are always supportive even if theyre conservative, and they have stated regret of the 10 years i had to go through on a heavily religious school. although my brother is a non-verbal autist, and has made my life miserable, i dont think he ever made my life worse, just mostly inconvenient. i consider myself sexual as a person, i have sexual attraction if you cant tell, even if i may (or may not) be an aromantic person. because of this, none of my issues stem from my household nor my family life. it is all because of my actions, and probably my school life this isnt a cohesive page of all my thoughts, and more or less a giant mess of thoughts tangled into one page GENERAL ======= this is something ive been struggling with for years mostly due to my innate fear to simply try to understand myself both mentally, physically, or anything in general. i was raised in a heavily conservative country, and spent most of my life in a conservative school, and online, ive spent most of my life hanging around with alot of people i probably shouldnt, conservatives and heavily alt-right memepages mostly i get offended too easily, almost to a pathetic degree, so much so that sometimes innocent jokes can get under my skin. this is an uncomfortable and unlikable feeling, i dont like being offended, it makes me nauseous and sad, so much so that ive tried too hard to get rid of it ive been working really hard to not be offended all the time, however in return, ive ended up being an emotionless, apathetic, and pathetic jerk, who usually just seemingly passive aggresive in almost everything, who wouldnt accept any emotions in the assumption that it was actually me being offended again, and because of this, i became an edgelord EDGELORD? ========= to prevent myself from being an overly sensitive baby, i just became a spineless yes-man. you want me to scream out slurs and spam servers until i get banned? sure. you want me to be friends with you, no questions asked, even if you want to mentally exploit me? ok. you want me to attack my closest friends just so i can get a smidge of approval? fine. each of these horrible interactions and thoughts eventually seeped into my everyday life, my opinions are always based on the majority vote from my peers. because of that, my miserable school life, i spent most of my life online, and in return after meeting alot of cruel and disgusting people, and the whole "offended easily" thing, there was a phase of my life where i was downright a miserable person to be with, screaming slurs and being a pathetic edgelord and all of that dumb stuff. this is why if you checked some of my old videos (if i havent cut out all of the rude things yet), you might hear me being a generally brash and obnoxious person in truth, i am a very weak and shrill person, ive learnt that trying to fight the system is basically a death sentence in a lot of things, ive learnt that i shouldnt ask questions and just go with the flow, ive learnt that anything that changes is bad, and that if anything DOES change, i have to fight it with all my might to keep it from ever changing to begin with doing this made me gain and lose a lot of friends in the process, and have made me done alot of things i regret. and i suppose karma does eventually bite your ass at some point, because all of the things ive done has really resulted in my severe mental health issues now MENTAL HEALTH! THEY MENTIONED MENTAL HEALTH!! ============================================= i consider myself neurotypical. my friends have told me that im not, and i can agree with that. some friends said that i MIGHT have harm-ocd, however, due to the fact that i have a pathetically dumb fear of therapy, and my inate fear of change, i have not gotten proper diagnosis. therefore, i will call myself neurotypical, because i do know that faking or misdiagnosing a mental issue can really harm public perception of it WOW ITS THE GENDER PART!! ========================= yep, we reached the area chat with my fear of change, and all of the things ive told before, i've always identified myself as a male. its easier to just identify as a male, its listed in my passports and id, and ive lived most of my life happily as a male something happened during the pandemic. well, it has always been around before it too i guess the pandemic is a horrible event that i never want to recall. ive done horrible things back then due to my edgelord status, and it makes me sick to my stomach to ever think about it. but at that point, i was also starting to reconsider things i never liked being this edgy piece of shit, i dont like screaming out slurs to people who dont deserve it, i dont like harrassing random strangers for no reason. i dont like being this. it makes me nauseous more than it does give me joy at some point, my old main account that ive had since 2016 got hacked, and it deleted everything ive done. all of my old drawings, my first drawings, my first everything really. it gave me grief. but i felt a sense of relief too perhaps it was me trying to seperate this pathetic version of me away from myself, and outright remove it, or simply leave it in my subconcsious. but i dropped the act cold turkey. i purged my instagram memepage and moved it to a new one, a new memepage, my new main, getting rid of everything ive done, all the dumb things ive said. of course, ive made my apologies to all the people ive wronged (or atleast try to for the people i can find), and ive reconnected bonds with some of them it was a relief, like shedding skin from my gross alt-right self into a new one, clean, without marks. but of course it still had its old stains im not sure what happened or why but throughout 2022 and 2023, i was absolutely miserable. it was the first time i genuinely felt like ending it all, in fact, i attempted it once, before of course, getting a panic attack and running to the ER. this was also my first therapy session, and i never had therapy since this will sound really stupid when i explain it, but basically heres the jist of how my brain works MY BRAIN IS STUPID! STUPID HOW? ILL TELL YA =========================================== at some point, at any time, something bad WILL appear, anything that vaguely reminds me of my past, or just outright offensive content. either on the news, an edgy post, something gorey, horrible people, horrible politics. regardless of what it is, it will get into my head. it will linger in my head. i wont stop thinking about it for a while, if ever. it will revolve over and over, reminding me of its existance, every possible detail of it. and then, *it* will appear what is it? why of course, my pathetic past trying to claw its way out to torment me of course! it wont take control of my body, it doesnt have the power for that, atleast i hope it doesnt. but it can torture me for abandoning it! my head will be swimming with slurs and horrible things, like it wants me to yell out a slur or type out the most heinous thing, like it insists that i should destroy everything ive worked up for so i can return back into being this pathetic goblin this thought will linger on, ruining my day and making me feel like shit. i wouldnt be able to have a good day at all, because this piece of shit goblin will just run around on my head in circles reminding me and convincing me to turn back, its paralyzing, so much so that sometimes ive spent a whole day doing nothing trying to combat this fucker back to hiding you'd think its simple enough, but then theres even dumber things because of course it does!! sometimes, my brain just **imagines** something bad, not even a real event, not even the possibility that it can ever happen, just out of nowhere an intrusive thought will go and say "what if this random stranger called you a slur?" "what if your brother killed your cat?" "what if your brother decided to grab the steering wheel and crash the car? it almost happened before", and then the fuckass goblin will go back and mess with my head some more the only way ive been able to fight back? i either dont, or i let it wander in my head until it gets bored and leave, best i can ever do is tell it to shut up over and over again or somethin this tangent is getting too long GENDER, AGAIN ============= at some point, i started to experiment with things, perhaps to fight back with the whole thoughts thing. by this point, my sona, femmy, turned from a weird edgy cat into a femboy. cliche, of course, and i did it as a joke first, but eventually i did grow attached to the sona. so thats the first experiment. while i was walking through the mall, i saw this sleeveless turtleneck. it looked weirdly cute. i went ahead and bought it. by this point i had long hair, and i was quite interested in the whole "haha femboy dresses like a girl" thing, so getting my hands on a bra, an arm sleeve, a corset, and some loose pants, i crossdressed for the first time it felt weird, not in a bad way, not in a physical way. i am not happy with my body, it looks funny, i look like a middle age dad, theres body hair in places i dont like, its weird and uncomfortable and i feel like a redditor, give me a beer and a spatula and i look exactly like that "i just want to grill" image. but this was one of the few times where i felt comfortable with my body, that i looked fuckin good and i liked what im looking at it was a weird feeling was i ever comfortable with my body? on gender? i never really liked looking at myself at all actually, i never even took a selfie anymore. this was the only time where i took a photo of myself, not for a family photo, not for a document. i did it for a joke, but, i liked the end result i still have the image around with me, it was a pretty cool image although at this point i was starting to question my gender, i still kept a firm identity as a male, well, kinda gender became meaningless to me at some point. yea i have a penis, so what? these weird parts dont dictate my opinions. i dont live by my cock, even if im horny i dont dictate my entire life by it, i dont think i do anyways, i hope not i named myself femmy because at first it was a joke. haha, femmy, get it? fem-boy? hilarious. it stuck around, and at some point, i really liked the name. so much so that i just used it for my online presence. eventually it became an username for a server im in. obviously, someone eventually misgendered me as a girl i corrected it of course, but it felt... nice it was nice to be called a girl, but well, im a male. though i wouldnt mind being called a girl it was pretty cool to be called a girl i liked being called a girl a friend called me an egg recently. OMELETTE DU FROMMAGE ==================== an egg? me? i guess i always had thoughts about being a girl... just simple random thoughts in my head, similar to my intrusive thoughts. it just pops up once in a while. "itll be cool if i had tits, ahaha, maybe a pussy too, lol" it did felt nice to be called a girl before, maybe i did like it? why did i always prefer my singing voice more when i pitched the formant up so that it sounded more like a female? its not a convincing voice at all, but i liked how it sounded... i liked my body more when i dressed up like a girl why do i like femmy so much? why did i make femmy look like that? why did i want to sound like a girl that badly? whats with all the dressing up? why did i like to dress up like a girl once? why do i liked it when people call me a girl? no, i do like it when people call me a girl. maybe i am... maybe... am i? i guess i am im a girl. EGG ON MY FACE OR WHATEVER THE LINE GOES ======================================== oops! houston, we have problems. i though this is going to be easy. yeah, im a girl now! alright! OOPS! we forgot about *the planet* unfortunately some people still care about gender identity, a bit too much actually, so much so that when a male says theyre she/her, they get so mad they'll make up 8000 different federal laws over it. im still confused about how the law works here, but from the things ive read, the reactions people had in the past, and the things i know, calling yourself a girl when you are a boy is a big no no apparently! and here lies the first problem. am i a girl? well, i love identifying as a girl, i loved being called a she/her, and i love it when people call me a girl! i am a girl! well, i dont really care if people still misgender me as He/him though, do i? would that even mean that im a girl? or just some genderless blob that cant figure out what they want? oops! another giant brick wall, MY CRUMBLING STATE OF MIND ive talked about my fear of change and my need to follow the path of least resistance out of fear of rejection, harrassment, ect, and this is when these two fucks come to play to ruin the fun for everyone if i ever did decide to go full on with this, i will have to fight through the masses, and with how violent things can be. i just dont want to deal with that. so i cant be a she/her in the documents. what if i did regret this? humans change, and even if i love being a girl now, what if something happens to prevent that? what if i dont like being a girl anymore? what then? am i actually happy being a woman or am i thinking too hard about this? well no, i am a girl, it makes me happy! but... i cant change my body well no, i can! but oops, yet another giant brick wall! what if i dont like it anymore? i cant just undo an operation, and undoing any hormone therapy is its own can of worms that im not sure im prepared to handle. i liked it when people **call** me a girl, i love it when i **identify** as a girl, but what if i dont like it when i **am** a girl? this is really stupid, i know, but im following my own line of thought, so what gives really ULTIMATUM ========= so now what do i want for myself? all the legal stuff is a pain in the ass to go through, i am scared and afraid, but i want to have cake and eat it too but you see, the funny thing about that idiom is that theres another part you forget: you can just take a slice of cake instead and so here we are, i am a girl, identifying as she/her. EXCEPT for the many few times where i have to be something else, in which case, i am a boy (or girl really it doesnt really matter in this section) identifying as He/him. which probably means im genderfluid is this good? fuck no this sucks ass, but its the best option i have so far, probably CONCLUSION ========== i never liked to explain my issues or try to understand what makes me tick, it makes me nauseous and confused. so much so that even to this day i never actually understand whats going on inside my head, i simply observe things and see what happens. writing this was hard, but it wasnt as hard as it usually is back then. maybe its getting better, or maybe my brain likes it more when im venting instead of actually solving anything Identity is a confusing mess that i dont know how to untangle. well, for some people its extremely easy, as easy as simply proclaiming "I AM A WOMAN." unfortunately i have to make things complicated for myself and unfortunately for me the world needs to complicate things for me will i stay this way? probably not! gender (for me anyways) is a weird liquid that change depending on my wants and needs. i dont live strictly by it, and i dont dictate my life from it. though its always fun to stick with being a girl, and who knows? maybe ill stay that way for a while in the end of the day, i just want to feel happier for once in my life, and this makes me happy as of now whether that means im one gender or the other, whether im trans or not, or whether im an amourphous grey blob with sentience, im just glad i can be something this page is a mess